Lose (as defined by dictionary.com)
1. to come to be without (something in one’s possession or care) , through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery; I’m sure I’ve merely misplaced my hat, not lost it.
2. to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immdediately recovered; I just lost a dime under this sofa
I have not lost 50 pounds, as of today.
It was not accidental.
It was not inadvertant.
It was not stolen from me.
There is great prospect of it’s recovery. I have not misplaced the weight.
It can be immediately recovered.
On October 27th of thousand eleventh year of our Lord, I weighed 267.7 pounds. You may remember this image from the trip where I realized, via whispers of grace from the Almighty – that I would be undertaking a new journey with Him. That a prayer was about to be answered.
On March 4th….a Friday – my electronic scale told me that I was affected by gravity to the tune of 217.4 pounds.
50.3 pounds of “me” wasn’t “me” anymore.
50.3 pounds of me have been converted into heat energy…and reabsorbed back into the background radiation of the universe. Gooey fatty mass, ala Albert Einstein, has chemically reacted with medicine balls, monster truck tires, and Clif bars.
M”E” went to M C squared.
50.3 pounds of emotional woobie….protective jolly armor, has been transformed and released back into the world that I was hiding from and protecting myself from. With that transformation…forgiveness for myself….for people both living, and not living.
Beyond the physical appearances, I have changed in other ways these past 4 months. People that know me, especially those closest to me, have said as much to my initial confusion. I’ve been told that I have little to no filter anymore…that I’m more impulsive than I’ve ever been. I’m quick to shoot a picture of the scale in the morning, such so that I don’t notice the potential for explicit reflections in the polished drawer handles, for instance…
I’m not sure if the impulsiveness is a good, or a bad thing yet. I think right now – it just “is” – and that’s enough. I buried a lot of things under my blubber. A lot of “me” hasn’t seen daylight in a very long time. The me that writes. The me that sings and plays piano. The me that camps and backpacks and builds things with his hands. The me that lifts his hands high in surrender in Sunday morning worship.
I watch “Celebrity Rehab” every year it’s on. I also watch “Intervention” a lot. I’m perplexed and intrigued by the disease of addiction. Especially as it relates to me, and my own “side thorns”. This past season, I learned that people coming out of recovery revert back to their emotional pre-addiction ages. They are 40 and 50 year old teenagers…emerging back into the light of the older world of their peers.
Maybe that’s happening here, with me. I’m not sure. But I’m mindful of it now, which is a good thing.
For now…let’s pencil out the word “impulsive” and write “reborn” lightly in the margins and revisit the issue a few more months down the line. I’d like to take these emotional wheels out for a spin, for now. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
In the spirit of “reborn”, as well as fulfilling a promise I made to another person who is about to not “lose” 40 pounds, I submit this photo to the journey’s archives:
I am not embarrassed by this photo. I do not find it’s posting “impulsive”. In the same vein, I am not seeking praise or accolades from anyone. The photo reflects in many ways the journey that I’m on.
It’s just me.
Really me…with no shielding or force fields. And me…just me…is okay. Getting better, anyway – saved by Grace….transformed by the renewing of my mind.
Next week, March 12th, I’ll be returning to Virginia with 5 to 8 of good friends of mine from work and church. Guys that I look up to and respect…two of which who have helped me these past 120 days. Men with me on the mountain that first day who never stopped believing I could get to the top of whatever it was I was trying to climb over.
I can’t wait. I don’t care if it rains 24 hours a day for two days straight. I will go. I will set the self timer on my Droid. I will get my “50 pounds less of me”, photo. And I will praise my God – who gets every ounce of the glory of the answered prayer. (I lift my eyes up to the mountain – where does my help come from?)
I have not “lost” 50 pounds. I have released them, back into the thermodynamics of the universe. To the same stars who stared back at me the night I stared up at them on a mountain a month ago. No….I know exactly where they went. I was there for every one of their going away parties. Every push up. Every tire flip. Every K of the 5’s….
Thank you to everyone who has supported me so far by reading and commenting and complimenting. You’ve been here for me – every Friday for the past 12 Fridays. And hey – I’m going to need your help as this sure as shinola gets harder and harder. Please stick around…I have a feeling we’ve only scratched the surface 120 days in.
Thank you, especially to my wife Karen who keeps me grounded and centered and supported and loved in ways that keeps the Icarus in me from flying too close to the sun. Who gives me permission to put wax to wings and fly.
Who loves and knows me in….in a way that Adam knew Eve – as his “life saver” or “power giver”…the true definition of “helper” in the Bible (ezer cenegdo). I love you more than I thought I ever could, and am painfully aware of the ways I need to love you better and more.
And I want the world to know the you that I do. And I pity the people that don’t.
Finally, thank you to the people that are walking down the same road that I am right now. 10, 20, 30, 40 pounds into your own cosmic thermodynamic dove releases. I want you to know that I believe in you – that I am believing for you – and praying for you. Please keep praying and believing in and for me. It’s His model of Fellowship and Relationship, and it just plain works.
I have not “lost” 50 pounds, today. I know exactly where they are, and are not.
“Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee. How great thou art! How great, thou art!”